i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
