Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
