had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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