omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
