No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
