after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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