i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
