The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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