I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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