Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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