I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
