Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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