I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
