I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
