I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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