just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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