Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
