I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
