Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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