There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
