I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
