You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
