I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
