So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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