I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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