Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
