Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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