Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
