dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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