he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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