were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
