Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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