this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
