Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
should my penis look like a turkey
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
