The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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