So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
whose parrot is this?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
