I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
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the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.