so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad