I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
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I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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