I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
