The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
