My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
ok first of all what the fuck
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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