No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.