Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
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Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
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You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.