Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
