I want to have your abortion
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We are all done wearing pants today
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