i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
