this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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