I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
