textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
