I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
