Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize