How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
