I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
