We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
