i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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