you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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