My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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